We all go about our daily lives pretending to believe in a higher power, be it a benevolent deity in the sky, justice or maybe even love. We recite our mantras, offer our prayers, and talk about the importance of community, family, and spirituality. But let's be real for a moment, when push comes to shove, when the chips are down, and the bills are due, there's only one true god we all bow down to: Money.
Yes, I said it. Money is God. And before you start covering your mouths and gasping in horror, let’s take a good, long look at ourselves and the world around us. Because deep down, you know it's true. Money is the almighty force that moves mountains, parts the seas of bureaucracy, and rains down blessings on those deemed worthy (or wealthy). It is the ultimate power, the great equalizer (and, paradoxically, the great divider), and the source of salvation for all who worship at its revered temples.
The Divine Origin of Money
Let’s start with a little mythology. In the beginning, there was nothing; no banks, no stock markets, not even a credit card with a crushing interest rate. People lived in a world where bartering was the way of life. You want my goat? Fine, give me two chickens and a basket of apples. It was a simple existence, but there was a problem: it lacked divinity (and the ability to carry out complex transactions).
Then, from the heavens (or rather, from some enterprising individual with a knack for trade), Money was born. Suddenly, everything made sense! Money provided order where there was chaos, structure where there was uncertainty. No longer did people have to haggle over the value of a goat versus a sack of grain. Money came along with its holy numbers and told us exactly what everything was worth.
And oh how we rejoiced! With Money came the power to quantify everything; goods, services, and even people. It was miraculous! People who once spent their lives toiling in the fields could now dream of owning more than just a few acres of land. They could aspire to riches beyond their wildest dreams. Money was the promise of a better life, a ticket to paradise.
The Hymn of Wealth
Fast forward to today, and the worship of Money is stronger than ever. But unlike the old religions that required faith in the unseen, Money is a god that shows its power every single day. Just take a look around. Who are the saints in our society? The billionaires, the CEOs, the tech moguls; the holy figures who have unlocked the divine secrets of wealth accumulation.
We don’t just admire these people; we canonize them, we revere them, we even pray to them. We devour their books, attend their conferences, and quote their every word as if they were prophets. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps," they preach, and “Hallelujah,” we nod in agreement, conveniently ignoring that many of them were born with silver spoons in their mouths and golden parachutes strapped to their backsides.
And what of the holy scriptures? Forget the Bible or the Talmud, today's sacred texts are Forbes, Bloomberg, The Wall Street Journal, and (apparently all the other online Mediums (pun intended!) that teach nothing but how to make money). They teach us the sacred rites of investment, the holy sacraments of stock trading, and the divine laws of supply and demand.
Each headline is a prophecy, each stock tip a revelation. We read them religiously, seeking guidance on how to mold every aspect of our lives to please this new god.
The Rituals of Worship
Of course, like any religion, the worship of Money comes with its own set of rituals. The most sacred of these? The 9-to-5 grind, where the faithful devote their lives to the pursuit of more. We rise early, don our business attire (our modern-day vestments), and head off to the temple; also known as the office, where we offer up our time and energy in exchange for the holy currency.
For those especially devout, there’s the daily sacrifice known as the "commute," where we sit in traffic or endure crowded public transit, silently praying that we’ll make it to the office on time to fulfill our sacred duties. And let’s not forget the tithe, also known as taxes, paid to the almighty state, which in turn keeps the machinery of the divine economy running smoothly.
But the true mark of the faithful is how they spend their money. The lavish vacations, the luxury cars, the designer clothes, these are the modern-day equivalents of religious offerings. Each purchase is a testament to one’s devotion to the god of wealth, a way of signaling to the world that one is blessed by the almighty dollar.
And for those who fall behind, who struggle to make ends meet, there are the penance rituals. Payday loans, credit card debt, overdraft fees, each one a punishment for not worshipping hard enough, for not being devout enough in the pursuit of wealth. But the faithful keep going, because they believe in the promise of redemption: that one day, if they just work hard enough, they too will be blessed with abundance.
The New Commandments
Every religion needs its commandments, and the religion of Money is no different. The first and most important of these is simple: Thou shalt have no other gods before Money. This one’s a no-brainer. Money is a jealous god, and it doesn’t take kindly to being placed second to anything else. Love, family, health, all of these must bow before the almighty dollar. If you doubt this, just try living without it for a while. You’ll quickly see how the world treats those who don’t have the blessing of Money.
Second, Thou shalt honor the Market, for it is the true path to prosperity. The Market is the holy spirit of the Money religion, the unseen force that guides our lives. It is infallible, omnipotent, and mysterious in its ways. When the Market is pleased, we prosper. When it is angry, we suffer. And just like in any religion, it’s important to keep the faith, even when the Market seems to be punishing us. After all, it works in mysterious ways, and who are we to question it?
Third, Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s wealth, for it is the measure of thy worth. In the religion of Money, your value is determined not by your character, but by your net worth. The more you have, the more you are worth. It’s a simple equation, and one that we’re all taught from a young age. This commandment drives us to constantly seek more; more money, more stuff, more status. It’s the reason we keep up with the Joneses, even when the Joneses are drowning in debt.
A New Age of Faith
Now, you might be thinking, Isn’t this all a bit cynical? Sure, we all love money, but surely there are other things that matter too, like kindness, generosity, and love. And to that, I say: Of course! As long as those things lead to more money.
Enter the Gospel of Prosperity; the modern-day interpretation of the Money religion that teaches us that wealth is a sign of divine favor. According to this doctrine, if you’re rich, it’s because you’ve been blessed. If you’re poor, it’s because you haven’t prayed (or worked) hard enough. It’s a comforting thought, really, because it absolves us of any responsibility for those less fortunate. After all, if they wanted to be rich, they would be, right?
The Prosperity Gospel is preached everywhere, on TV, in self-help books, at corporate seminars. It’s the belief that wealth is the ultimate goal and that the pursuit of money is not just acceptable, but holy. And the best part? It comes with a built-in loophole. If you don’t succeed in becoming rich, it’s not the gospel that’s flawed; it’s you. Clearly, you didn’t have enough faith, or you didn’t pray hard enough to the god of Money. Better luck next time!
Where Do You Stand?
So, where does all this leave us? In a world where Money is God, what happens to those who don’t worship to it? What becomes of those who dare to suggest that maybe, just maybe, there are more important things in life than the accumulation of wealth?
Well, let’s be honest, those people are heretics. They’re the ones who’ll be left behind, who’ll miss out on the blessings of the Market. They’ll be the ones stuck in low-paying jobs, unable to afford the luxuries that the faithful enjoy. And when the final judgment comes (read: retirement), they’ll have nothing to show for their lives of doubt and dissent.
But for the rest of us, the true believers, the rewards are endless. There’s no afterlife in the Money religion, no pearly gates or eternal paradise. But who needs that when you’ve got a seven-figure bank account, a portfolio of stocks and bonds, and a collection of luxury cars? Isn’t that the ultimate form of salvation?
So, Let Us Pray
Let’s all take a moment to bow our heads and give thanks to the one true god; Money. Let us pray for its continued favor, for the blessing of abundance, and for the strength to keep striving for more. Because in this world, there’s only one thing that really matters, and we all know what it is, even if we don’t dare say it out loud.